Welcome to my Blog. Boy, that sounds strange to say. I never expected that I would ever be interested in blogging. It seemed like too much work.. and I couldn't think of anything I'd ever be interested in talking that much about. And you should know by now that talking a lot is my forte. Then, yesterday, a link popped up on my facebook newsfeed. It caught my attention, I read it, and instantly felt compelled to create this blog to share our story with you all. I've been wanting to share for a while, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it.
Before you continue reading, please be aware that there is some graphic TMI throughout this blog.
This blog is a place for my family and friends to learn about my miscarriage experience, and follow along with my current pregnancy. After all, a pregnancy after a loss is very different than a regular pregnancy. You symptom spot everything. You stare at the toilet paper for a good solid 60 seconds every time you pee to make sure that there isn't even the tiniest spot of blood or brown tinged discharge. You over analyze your gas pains, and think for sure that your uterus is contracting. You wake up every morning praying that you didn't miscarry in your sleep because you had a horrible nightmare about having a miscarriage, every night. You thank God for feeling nauseous and having the most swollen, extremely painful breasts ever, because they are symptoms that you are pregnant. You take more than 25 pregnancy tests, just to make sure that the line on the test is getting darker each and every day. And most importantly, the pain of that first loss, never leaves. You think about who that first baby would have grown up to be. And you don't just think about it here or there. You think about that baby Every. Single. Day.
2014 was a very eventful year for us. In both good ways and bad. In February, we made the very serious decision for me to discontinue taking "the pill" and in turn, substitute it with prenatal vitamins. We decided that we wanted a little "mini-us" and that we would start that journey in May, around our 1 year anniversary (May 18th). In May, we took a lovely trip to Niagara Falls for our anniversary (side note: I highly recommend
this deal). We decided we'd "start trying" during our trip. We figured it would take a few months before we got that second line on the test. Boy was I surprised that a second line appeared on May 23rd. In fact, I was so certain that it would be negative that I took the test, set it down to process and went about by business.. about 15 minutes later it dawned on me that I never checked the results. My heart stopped, and then just as quickly sped up and started to flutter. Was it really possible? Did I really get pregnant that quick? Nick was out of town, camping with no cellphone service, for the weekend and wouldn't be home until Monday night. So I had time to catch my breath, take about 10 more tests and then run to the store to buy a "surprise" for the new expectant father. When he came home, I gave him a gift bag with a "Dad" card and a baby onesie. I even video taped him opening it! He was just as surprised as I was that it happened as quickly as it did. A good number of weeks went by, I gained a preposterous amount of weight (Seriously. I blew up. Quick.) and otherwise it was uneventful, I wasn't even nauseous. Our first OB visit was scheduled for July 11. I would be 10 weeks along at that time. Our baby would be due on February 5, 2015.
What we learned that day at our first appointment caused my heart to shatter. I was more lost and upset than I ever was in my entire 25 years of life. I got a physical exam and everything checked out good. Then the doctor began to use a fetal doppler to search for the baby's heartbeat. He couldn't find it. Everything so far had gone so smoothly with this pregnancy and although I was slightly concerned, I also understood that there were a few factors that could have been causing that. Not only was I still very early along, but I was now very overweight. He had me schedule my next appointment in one month and then sent us downstairs to have an ultrasound done just to check everything out. The ultrasound technician got everything set up and quickly we saw a beautiful side profile of our little bean. It made my heart flutter and I felt so warm inside. But then I noticed something. There was no movement. None. My heart stopped and the warmth turn to ice. I got very nervous and asked the technician and she assured me that I was still very early along.. But I knew that she was just trying to comfort me. There was something very wrong. I may only be used to looking at ultrasounds of dog and cat organs, but I knew darn well that the baby should have been showing some amount of movement at this point. She never showed us a heartbeat. Instead, she told us she had to call "upstairs" and left the room. I looked over at Nick and he was still trying to be optimistic.. But I knew our bean had passed away. The technician came back in and told us that we needed to go upstairs and talk to the doctor. Again, she did not share any of the findings of the ultrasound. I knew for sure that there was something wrong. I already had my next appointment scheduled and we were supposed to head home after the ultrasound, not talk to the doctor again. I slumped through the hallway, in shock, and didn't speak until we got back into the waiting room. We were told to have a seat in the waiting room. That was a very difficult 15 minute wait. Pregnant women were coming and going, babies were crying and cooing. And I was youtube-ing 10 week ultrasounds. The babies on those ultrasounds were so active! And mine was not. "Still early along" my ass. Finally we were taken back to an exam room where we then waited another 15 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. There was so much silence between us. Finally the doctor came in and told us that I had suffered a
Missed Abortion (fluff word: missed miscarriage). He said that the baby had passed away anywhere between 9 and 10 weeks. I was only 10 weeks along at that point. The tears quickly flooded my eyes and spilt down my cheeks.
He gave us two options. We could either wait and see if the baby would abort on it's own, or I could have a
D&C to have everything removed manually. If we took the wait and see method, it was possible that it would not come out on it's own and cause infection, thus requiring a D&C anyway. Or, if it did come out on it's own, there may be some tissue left behind which could cause infection or cause issues getting my cycle back to normal, again requiring a D&C anyway. Immediately I chose to have the procedure done. I didn't want to think about it any longer and I certainly didn't want to witness passing the baby on my own. I was scheduled for my procedure on July 13.
I laid in the bed at the hospital waiting to be wheeled away to have everything taken care of. I was a wreck, and my nerves and anxiety were not reacting well to everything. Thankfully, I had Nick with me to comfort me. I don't think I could've made it through that day without him. They came in and took me away to have my procedure done, wheeling me through the maternity ward where I saw a new baby. Nick waited in the maternity ward waiting room, where people were talking about newly born babies. I asked my doctor if I could see my baby after the procedure was done, for closure, and was denied that possibility as it'd be too small to see. At that point I felt lost. Here I was, about to get a cocktail of drugs injected through my catheter and next thing I would know, my baby would be gone, in a biohazardous waste container, somewhere, not knowing where my baby would end up.
As I woke up from my anesthesia, I felt freezing cold and was trembling, teeth chattering. The nurse asked me if I was cold, and still fairy incoherent I said yes. She put another warm blanket on me but I still felt freezing cold, and the trembling did not stop. That's when I realized I was having an anxiety attack. I've had them before, but never while waking up from anesthesia. They gave me an injection through my catheter, it felt warm and instantly the trembling stopped. After I rested a little longer, they took me back to my room where Nick was waiting for me. I felt numb inside. Lost. I was told to expect heavy bleeding for up to 2 weeks and was sent on my way with a recheck appointment scheduled for about 3 weeks later.
I went home and felt broken. I felt like all hope was lost. At the time, I never knew of anyone who had ever had a miscarriage and thought for sure that there was something wrong with me. But that was so very wrong. I quickly learned of friends/family/acquaintances that had at least one, if not multiple miscarriages. It's amazing how many people open up to you about it after you've experienced it. I joined a "secret" facebook miscarriage support group, there I was able to share all of my feelings with other women who had recently experienced the same thing as I had. It was comforting to know that I was not alone.
While I was clearly a wreck, I think it is safe to say that Nick may have been more upset about it than I was. He is a "man" and doesn't show his feelings, but there was something off. And I knew he was hurting inside, quite possibly more than me. We supported each other, held each other, and talked about the future. We talked about when we would start trying again and decided we would start as soon as we could. In the meantime we were both so scared. So scared of it happening again, so scared of the possibility that I wouldn't get pregnant as quickly and so scared that I could even get pregnant again at all.
In August, we started trying again. Month after month I wasted money on pregnancy tests. Meanwhile, so very many of our friends were announcing their pregnancies. That was by far the hardest part of trying to conceive after a loss. I love my friends, and I am SO very happy for them! But a part of me cracked each and every time someone announced that they were pregnant. I was so ashamed at feeling that way but I couldn't control it. Why could they get pregnant, but not me? Why were their pregnancies so healthy but mine was not? Even something as simple as being out at the stores and seeing a pregnant lady, a baby, and even toddlers, immediately crushed my heart and made tears well up in my eyes. And then there was anger. Anger brought on by a young girl outside of Walmart. She was likely 7ish months pregnant and smoking a cigarette. I was outraged. Here I am, mourning the loss of my unborn child that I did everything to try to protect while it was in my womb. And here she was, carelessly inhaling toxins into her body that will harm her innocent unborn child. I don't think I've ever felt that anger like that before.
The good news is, that those emotions faded. But not until I got another positive pregnancy test.
Baby Sanna #1 hanging out with the Clydesdales
